29 things that only happen in movies
1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.
4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paper clip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.
6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).
12. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
13. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard.
14. Cars never need fuel.
15. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.
16. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.
17. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
18. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
19. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
20. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
21. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone’s Law).
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.
24. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.
25. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
26. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
27. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.
28. Whistling will always get you a taxi cab.
29. Doors can always be opened with a kick of a foot.
I vow to make a film that breaks (some of) these conventions.
